few posts from me from this week:
Hello Lynda, I am glad if I help people with this blog, and yes, I did hard work to create these materials. Still, I realized I am a Narcissist. This is why I disappeared from here, I did so much bad things without realizing it, that lot of things from my past including this site reminds me of that. It is very painful for me, especially that there is no chance to make things up.
Thank you for your kind words, I may end up writing more posts.
Wish you all the best.
they have some hidden bad intention" That is exactly what I did back then, but still, it was not not even bad intention, just a false self which needed to be defended, and I could only defend it by devaluing others.
Doesn't make sense? Well, it is pretty simple. Depersonalization means you lose a sense of self you have been holding onot. Now, the only "self" that can be lost is a false one, which is no longer able to provide you a sense of self. That is DP.
Narcissism means that one is holding onto an unrealistic sense of self, which has no real basis in reality (cause of derealization).
When I got a panic attack and DP, it was a time when my "artist" self, with it's unrealistic narrative got crushed by people who saw me from a real perspective.
That got me into DP. But unfortunately, even after reading so much about these things (some people said I became an expert), still, I wasn't able to help myself.
I went on trying to defend a dysfunctional self and I ended up ruining literally everything in my life.
If you guys feel like you are in a similar situation I was in, PLEASE, PLEASE don't be like me and save your life.
Well, DP is a symptom of someone getting lost in his own indentity. Narcissists definetely get to a point with their confabulated self where they just can not rationalize away reality anymore.
As they go on with life with their irrational, overblown sense of superstar self, they get to a point where they need to DENY a significiant part of reality, and themselves. That is how they experience DP.
Of course I am not saying that everyone with DP is a narcissist.
Narcissism is a tricky thing. A narcissist starts life with a confabulated, overblown ego, which sooner or later get crashed down. Now, problem is, narcissists usually super intelligent, and they always rationalize their own attention away from the real problem: they are living a lie.
Some narcissists, like me, DO get self-aware and do admit their problem, but usually only when it is too late.
Note that I am not a "born narcissist", I was not a narcissist until 20 years old, so I do understand where I went off-track. Other narcissists who develop this because of parental mistreatment, may be in a different situation.
My biggest problem was back then, when I got panic attacks and DP/DR, that I BELIEVED people who told me that it is not serious. I believed that I will not go crazy, but I actually did.
When you feel like you are going mad, there is a REASON FOR THAT.
It is insane to just even think about the possibilities in my life if I would have taken this seriously.
Well, it's a little bit complicated I guess. Yes, I acted like a full blown "standard" NPD in the last 9 years. So yes, how I operated in life is the typical cover narcissist. And no, I am not putting a percent more blame on myself than what is due. But, what is also true that I am literally not this person. You can think about me like a guy who perfectly imitated a narcissist. I do have a "real self" and I do feel empathy. But I did not "use" my real self and empathy for 9 years, and I did this without realizing this. My narcissism was like a "play" for me, and I never ever realized what I am doing. What I mean is, I never "confirmed" this to myself. It was like playing xbox but not in the way that it was a play to me to hurt my family and others. I really did not realize this. When I did, I was close to suicide. I never needed this, and I can not take responsibility for this because it was something I never was.
Thanks for you question, it is very late for me. I could go on here explain this.
What bad things I have done? Can't find the words. From my perspecive and from the perspective of who I am really inside, it is the worst possible.
If I couldn't feel empathy I would not suffer the way I do now.
I will go on answering this but people waiting for me now so I need to stop.
God bless you.
Well Luke, I am a narcissist or not. Look, I am not a narcissist because I am not a narcissist inside. I am Gábor Szurdoki from Hungary, a guy who you never met. I never had a "developmental problem", let alone NPD. But at age 19, I started something which is EXACTLY what narcissists do. So yes, I am (was) a narcissist. It was like 9 years of not being yourself and not realizing it. I think I am a rare narcissist. I never needed it, I never meant it, it was just a game which I forgot I am playing.
I will not get through this and there is nothing that is can be done. But I think I do have a lot of knowledge which you guys who are in similar situations can use, and I don't think there is a person on this Earth who feels more what NPD can cause.
Feel free to comment here or write me. I'll be back.
I deeply hope that you are not going to go through the revelation I went through, if that happens, feel free to write me I'll give you my email.
If you are having sleepless nights because of what I wrote, that means you are heavily depended on mental concepts. "Inner objects". If you are getting scared, try to "root" yourself in things you KNOW are true.
I know it feels impossible right now. Both DP and Narcissism involves being so heavily "lost" in fantasies and mental concepts (and a false self) for so long that the person eventually loses touch with reality.
That in ITSELF is not a problem, but is a VERY dangerous situation.
People who tell you that DP/DR are not dangerous, on one hand, says the truth because for your HEALTH, they are REALLY not dangerous. But on the other side, they are the most dangerous situation a person can be in.
Never forget, that DP/DR means you are LOSING TOUCH WITH REALITY. Not in the way like psychotic people do, but it's VERY CLOSE.
It's not a coincidence that some experts say that Narcissism (being identified with a FALSE SELF concept) should be called borderline psychosis. It is really a very good description.
In DP/DR and Narcissism, one's psyche is intact, but the way the person uses it can literally destroy the person's life.
Anyone who is experiencing DP/DR, GET HELP. Don't give it a second thought, don't try to rationalize why you don't, because both in NPD and DP/DR, you is your worst enemy. DP/DR and NPD are both very intelligent disorders, because the person suffering from them is very intelligent.
And you can not beat your intelligence with your intelligence. Very dangerous thing.
Your sanity and logical mind will remain intact, but with time you can become what I call "social madness". Your mind is exactly as sane as everyone else's, but you are literally mad in the way you interact with people.
MAD means MAD. MAD means you are not being able to realize that you are MAD.
Get help. From family, from a psychiatrist, and from your sane mind which is there but covered deeply by fantasies.
Do not let DP/DR and your fantasies get you to a position where I am right now.
You all have to understand, that one just can not "SLIP" out of DP, because DP/DR itself was not created in a second. I DO know that it can feel like it. One day you are okay, next day panic attack and DP wasteland.
Still, DP/DR is not developed in a minute, not even a day or not even a few months.
Back then, before, long before your DP started, you have already started building a "self" over very shaky foundations.
That's NOT something to get scared of. I DID. But now, as I look back, I KNOW that if my mind would not have been occupied with 1.) DP/DR 2.) my false self concept, I could EASILY solve my life, and now I would not be writing stuff here, I would live a life which is beyond beautiful.
But what I did? Did not take DP seriously (reading all day long about DP and reading everything you can google about panic attacks and DP DOES NOT EQUAL taking it seriously. Reading this forum and not doing anything either.), I read about it all day long, it became something like a hobby.
DP/DR started to become a part of my sense of self. My identity.
I repeat DP/DR is VERY dangerous. Especially - and that is GOOD news for everyone who is going through this right now - that WHILE you are experiencing DP, you are STILL OKAY, your LIFE is still okay, BUT at the same time, you are LOSING a little bit of that life and safety EVERY DAY, EVERY HOUR, EVERY MINUTE.
But the STRONGER your DP is, the more it means that you still have a lot of chance to save your life.
My DP diminished with time, and I was thinking that oh it is okay. It DISAPPEARED. Well, yes. The WARNING SIGN that I am RUINING my life disappeared, because I did not do anything to save it.
REMEMBER: The ambulance is not in hurry when they take the dead body to the morgue.