Eventually I got to a website where somebody wrote that she thinks BPD are usually children of N parents. That, for some reason, somehow, rang true for me, did not know why. I went on, and I heard my fav psychiatrist - I like him because he ACTUALLY understands and sees the soul, the person behind these "disorders" - saying that "Borderline, is really a self-punishment. You should not look for medication and brain problems, but ask yourself, why I am punishing myself." Also, Harris Harrington said that the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer state is related to both BPD and DP. Even though, I never really acted on these V,P,R states, but somehow emotionally, I could relate to them deeply. I also read a great post somewhere saying : "BPD is just a healthy reaction from a sensitive person to an invalidating environment." It also, felt true for me.
Also, what I did while, and after DP, was somehow looked, sounded, smelled like a "self-punishment". But I did not understand WHY would anybody want to punish himself. Why is that good? Nobody wants to feel bad. And I also knew that I love myself, and that my goal is to be as successful as I can be, not to punish myself. Also, I could not understand why BPDs would punish themselves.
Days went on, and something clicked. Let's say, you have a psychopath. A narcissist. The N has a child. And since Ns are cruel monsters, they punish and abuse the child in every possible way, and threaten it with emotional disinheriting all day long, or everytime the child is not acting like the perfect tool to support the Ns grandiose False Self. This starts very early. Now, this means, that the child will pick up DYSFUNCTIONAL emotional habits VERY EARLY. And when the child gets older, these reflexes remain there, operating, and ruining his/her life. This manifests as inappropriate emotional reactions. The person will feel very intense negative feelings in situations which would normally NOT PROVOKE such reactions from that person. And the person KNOWS it. The person knows that this emotional "punishment" is undeserved in the current situation.
What happens? This person will see he has a problem, because he sees that he is acting TOO emotional in certain situations. I experienced that. There was a conflict which I KNEW I could easily handle, usually I even handled them, but the extremely intensive emotional reaction stayed. When this happened enough times, it hurted my own pride in my own eyes.
Now, if you are a proud, sensitive, controlling type, you NEED to know the reason for that. That is neccessary to solve this. But since you don't know that you have been living with a psycho, and picked up these defensive habits EARLY, maybe when you were 2 or 3 years old, you DON'T find the reason.
But these habits will FUCK UP your life. At one point, you need someone to take the blame. And this is the point when BPDs starts to blame themselves, and PUNISH themselves. Because this is HUGE PAIN, and a huge loss (loss of success, loss of great relationships, loss of lot of good things that this particular person WOULD DESERVE), and you need someone to blame.
Because if you say I AM RESPONSIBLE, that is at least an EXPLANATION (even if false) for the pain you go through. Still better than believing "I just suffer for no reason".
And if this is true, what psychiatry does? They are putting the PSYCHOPATH (NPD) and its VICTIM (BPD), in the same class of "personality disorders" (Cluster B ).